never go to bed yourself

by Maggie Griffin

The all to unknown and infamous *they* say to never go to bed angry at your spouse. Do your best to fix the problem or come to a calm point of stasis before going to bed; continue the discussion tomorrow, but remember your love and lay next to each other, *they* say. What *they* don't tell you is that going to bed angry at yourself is just as dangerous.

This is something I figured out while I was living by myself; but it is played out more intensely in this new marriage scenario, because so much of how you feel and think about yourself translates to how you act towards others, especially the other who shares your space.

There are a few reasons why my anger used to and probably will still carry over into morning:

I am, unashamedly, a list maker. If all items do not receive the beautiful red pen line through them by day's end, I toss and turn, angry at myself.

I am a bit of a clean freak, in that I like the appearance of a clean home, but do not necessarily care of the actual state of cleanliness. The dishes are a tell-tell sign of a dirty house. If those puppies are left after lunch, dinner, three days of dinner, I punch the pillows, angry at myself.

I am more thought than action, more thought than speech even. In some interactions, I wish to respond differently than I actually do. Each day I get until 11:59 to act and speak, but my thoughts sometimes override and paralyze the rest of me from action. If my hesitation is so grand, I stay up, much later than I like, mind turning over, gears running. And I wake up, lucky if I get the chance to change, regretful if it is too late.

If any of these scenarios or a few others play out, I end up rolling off of the wrong, very grumpy side of the bed. Danger alert.

Lesson to be learned: focus on each day. do what you can, do it well. say and do things in love. be honest. think before you speak. and do your best to go to bed happy with your spouse, with the world, and most definitely with yourself, so you can wake up happy and be a pleasant person to others and proud of the person looking back in the mirror.